he sounds like a girl when he talks. poor cat

i'm sure that it was annoying when a child would play the why game.

mommy, why are you called mommy?

because i'm your mom.

why are you my mom?

because your father and i wanted to have a child you we got you.

why did you want to have a child?

because we wanted to have kids?

why?

because we like kids.

why?

and so on and so on and so on.

but i think they got right back then. always asking and seeking out answers.
they may not have been looking for a deep serious answer but thats a good way to go.
I think that adults can learn a lot from the why game. Why do we dislike someone? Why did that person murder? why do i want to get married? why do you cheat on your spouse? why aren't we listening to one another?

what is our motivation for everything? what brings it about in us to act on something, to say certain things, to not listen, to want to buy things, to follow our own hearts, to encourage promiscuity, etc.

everyone wants to know truth and the root of it all but they turn away when its not something they like.

Jer 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

reflections from a mirror pointing at my life while listening to "Dance, Dance" in the background

i've heard late last year that a marriage is supposed to be a reflection of our relationship with God. or something similar to it. God and us, He rules and we must submit and obey. as i've been going to bible studies and learning more about our relationship with God and how it reflects our relationships here on earth, i have come to many thoughts in this journey. well i didn't grow up Christian and i didn't have a dad who was strong in his faith. at an earlier time in my life he didn't have any faith in God. there was so much that i missed out on and the things that i've done as i got older may have been from the lack of fatherhood in my life. in the last7-8 years my dad has come back to God. not in the way that you'd think. he has realized his faults in life and, well, he prays the rosary everyday to mary, goes to church on saturdays, and listens to priest on the radio. so, i'd say him then and him now are slightly different. we're closer now, though. so i wonder if that'll still reflect who i marry when i get older assuming i do get married. i've also had dancing on my mind for the last week or so. this will tie in, just wait. wait as in keep reading and find out heh after a night of trying to learn how to swing dance and a conversation with a pastor, i got to thinking, "will i ever be able to submit to my husband?" when it comes to swing dancing the guy leads .........actually, the guys are always supposed to lead in dance, and the women are supposed to follow. i kind of see it as us letting God show us as we submit and follow. just like a husband and wife, they lead, we follow. when i used to go out dancing(before i became a christian) i would lead the dances. now, we didn't have any steps to follow or rules, just our choices. sometimes i'd let a guy lead me but when he only wanted to be body-tight with me i'd free myself and then take the leadership role. now that night when i tried to learn how to swing dance and follow my dance partner, i kind of got the hang of it. i did mess up a few times. thinking back on it i can see how relationships with God and our husbands/wives fits into this. i now wonder, is my dancing a future reflection of my marriage? it's certainly a reflection of my relationship with God. will i be able to learn how to let go, relax, and trust that i'll learn how to follow with the right person? i'm now also thinking even the dancers who were amazing had a few bumps in their steps but they kept going and made it work. I've also grown up seeing my parents as husband and wife and for a child growing up, you wouldn't have gotten a clear picture of what marriage is supposed to look like. my mother submitted and followed for the most part. she was also abused so i think in that situation many women would submit. they're scared. now will i be like that? will i be a reflection of my mother or Jesus? i also thought about Jesus and how He submitted to God as well. i hope that i will be more submissive like that than to take my own steps and decide to lead. the dancing will unfold!

she plays the piano while i blog about music. she doesn't know it

we all like music.
it's fun to dance to
it's catchy
it's relatable
we like the artist/band
it's enjoyable

i wasn't huge into pop but there were some songs i enjoyed. i was mostly into rock bands/songs. i listened to these songs/bands all before i became a Christian.

Now i struggle a little bit with letting go of my bands because they aren't good for my ear.

i'm one of the leaders for a girls group that i help out with. we just started a session about media and what God says about it and what the world says.

i've been pretty good so far. i mean, i do struggle but its not a huge struggle. the big struggle that is fading away now is the music i used to go out dancing to and singing along to. i used to go out dancing at a bar with a few gals and it was all pop, country, and a bunch of music to dance dirty to. yup, i was one of the ladies out there showing off my moves.

i don't get as tempted that much to want to go out dancing to show off so that's great!

what i am struggling with though are the lyrics, how a singer sings a certain line or two, and the music that goes with it.

I have to say first is that since I've been a Christian and listening to Christian songs i feel so much better about it and with myself. i'm left wanting more of God and wanting to praise Him.

going through hit songs i find myself struggling with keeping my mind guarded and not let myself sing along or let my emotions out of control. you see, i'm a lyric and music kind a gal. if its relatable i enjoy it even more. if the music can stir my emotions then its even better. but not so much.

i just listened to "we found love" by rihanna and i must admit that i like the music and how she sings her lyrics. what i don't like are the lyrics. i also watched the music video and all around it left me feeling empty and wanting to look for "love in a hopeless place" i'm a pretty broken person to begin with and i used to try to find my self-worth in music, dancing(showing off w/guys), guys, and how i dressed. part of my old self was starting to come out in thought and emotion. i had to fight that off because that's not what i really want. in the video rihanna and her bf live together, go out partying, stealing, smoking together, get into a fight, have sex, joke around, etc and part of me wanted that(minus the stealing, smoking, and fights). part of me felt lost and longing for a relationship and have sex. it's terrible that part of me gets affected like that after a song. am i the only one or doesn't anyone else take notice of their feelings and thoughts after listening to a song? it's easy for me to be influenced by music. it doesn't even have to be about a relationship, it can be about partying and having fun. "Last Friday Night" by katy perry was one of them as well. only a slight part of me wanted to go out dancing but as i watched the music video i noticed that i felt slightly disgusted about it all. a guy looking at the hot girl and chasing after her and katy in bed with some guy. no thank you.

i'm glad to say that i notice how i'm left feeling at the end of songs because it makes me not want to listen to music with terrible messages saying its ok to sleep around, sleep with your bf, partying is ok, drinking underage is ok, and everything else that God didn't intend to happen.

i wonder if people sometimes do things based off the feelings and type of high they get from listening to a song or if it may be just me. i also wonder if they even realize all the bad messages going into their minds. they say it's ok, they say to do what you want and so i will.

it's too bad that serious, precious things are taken so lightly.
i just pray that i'll be able to guard my mind better and that as we go through this series on media the girls will become convicted and let go of these bad messages. its hard when almost everyone is saying "go for it, who cares" and you're young and around other peers who agree and you're trying to not think like that...

a Bible that isn't open doesn't help

All things I JUST noticed point to get a job, any job.
I have been spoiled wanting a job that pays the right
amount, a job that i won't be angry about working at,
a job with the right hours, a job that i think is perfect
for me. i have brought us down so you can kick me out.

it's been a long, hard road and a very hard lesson to learn.
i am a very clueless person who clearly needs to constantly take
the hard route to learn something. i have to fall on my face to
learn anything.

i can only imagine what anyone thinks of me and what i've been
doing in these last many months.

i am a naive person and i know this. i never know how naive i am
until something comes up. i never realize most things until something
comes up. i am there now.

i will give up everything to get back up. i would like to hide and pretend
that i'm not around so that its not a constant reminder to anyone about
this.

i think that i will always stumble. i don't know if i'll ever be able
to walk without tripping.

so i'm supposed to be 'doing something' not waiting on God to show me. how does it work that He shows some people things and not others? if i'm supposed to 'just go' then part of me doesn't want to ask or even lean on God for approval or for help. if i'm supposed to go on my own and trust that He's guiding me then why should i pray about anything? again, i think that i'm going to have to fall on my face to find out. i know that this is my own fault but part of me just wants to turn away. part of me wants to blame Him for my lack of responsibility because He brought me here. It was clear for me to quit Merwins and so i thought He'd bring up the right job since He wanted me out. sure, its been good growth and i'm glad for it. i guess this is 'growing up' in many ways.

i'm realizing that i'm expecting God to grow me without any effort on my part. ...ok, with little effort on my part. i go to Him for everything and i try, i try to go His Word when I'm really upset but i never know where to look for help and i guess i just expect God to comfort me. to be able to feel His presence but i never do and so thats when i want to turn away and say that He's never there when i need Him. oh, it's so easy to lie to myself. its so easy for my mind to let in lies. its so easy to let myself turn away. again, i think that i'm supposed to fall on my face to make a better effort and know that He is there. spiritually, i think i'm more scarred and bruised than anyone else i know. sometimes i think that it would be good if i just lay down and let myself get bruised until i realize that i could be stronger and that i need to get myself back up and fight. but i'm not there yet. i lack self-esteem and so i 'deserve' to learn things the hard way. maybe when i'm 30-35 i'll look back and see much growth. i hope so.

these thoughts may or may not get to him

i scrolled through my photos on my old phone. i see your two photos
and i stop to look at them. i can see mom in you. if i look at different
parts of your face or maybe squint my eyes a little i can dad in you too.
i couldn't see much of L in you. Maybe a little bit of H. I can see you in
me. I can also see L in me and H. It's crazy to think how we all look alike.

i thought about myself. the way i looked in '05. so young looking. i still look
young but now with some maturity in my face. i tried to imagine what you may have
looked like if you were still alive. that was hard to picture. i can't imagine you
looking older than one of your last photos. shorter hair on your made you look a little more mature. long hair looked good on you too. you were also skinny and i never understood how you and H were so skinny and i had chub on me. as you have called me a few times when i was younger, i was a couch potato. you were active and
had great metabolism.

i look at the photo of your blowing out your birthday candles. if i wanted to i could stop myself in time and stare at you for a long time. its weird to think that the photo is a moment caught and its stuck like that forever and i can pull my face away and continue in my days. that i have a life and you did.

you will never talk to me as long as i live. maybe even after we might not be able to. you will never mature. you will never become a comedian or an archaeologist. you will never be able to blow out candles anymore. you will never attend my wedding if i ever get married. physically be older than me.

so many you will nevers.....

how long have you thought about suicide before you made that final decision? Do you know how sorry i am for the words that i've said to you when we were younger? I've finally been able to forgive myself. Sometimes guilt comes up but i have to let it go and give it to God because Christ already died for that. Did you accept Him before you died? Do you know now that I've accepted Him?

So many unanswered questions....

I bet you didn't know that I was also suicidal. i was going to do what you did a month before you. i chickened out. i didn't want to do it wrong. but guess what? death isn't an option anymore. God pulled me out of my darkness. He revealed Himself to me. I'm now His child!!! I think that you would have been happy for me. i think that if you were still alive you would've come to Christ yourself at some point.

God used you for part of His plan to bring me to Him. That's exciting! i mean exciting as that He helped me come out of my depression and has been healing me. i've learned so many things from your life and suicide.

I think that you and i would have drawn closer together as we got older. or so i like to think so. i also like to think that you would have ended up being a godly man. even though you laughed at some bad jokes you never seemed to be terribly 'sinful'.

as i look at your photo i realize again that i can't remember what your voice sounded like. you seem to be just a faded memory. you have faded from me a bit. if i don't have a photo in front of me i can barely remember what you looked like. i'm glad that we have photos. i couldn't ever forget you as my brother but physically i could. i remember things we used to do together and what we've said to each other.

sometimes thinking of you brings me down. what gets to me more is not knowing if you're with God or in hell. would i want to know? maybe. it would hurt to know that you aren't with our Father but at least i would know and not have to wonder. i don't know what hurts more, not knowing or knowing and finding out that you aren't in heaven.

i want to say that even though we didn't get along most of the time, i'm glad that we ...were/are(?) siblings.

please know that i am growing and that i love you.

aquaphor by my side

As it starts getting warmer out you'll be seeing me more. And i will be seeing more sunsets. One of my favorite things to do is watching a sun set and sometimes rise. Tonight was a good night to be outside. I enjoy the breeze, the birds chirping, and the colors in sky start to fade. The clouds are always good to look at too. I was sitting outside and realized that i used to that when i was younger as well. The difference now is that i'm in a city and there are houses across the street from me. i hope that nobody on the other side thinks that i'm trying to be a creeper and watch for them. (O.o) As i sat outside i couldn't help but ask myself, "how has time flown so fast?". Its crazy, the sky is always the same but the clouds come and go. I just thought of it, but it reminds me of God. He's always there and never changing and we come and go. Yeah, the sky changes colors so maybe i could say that the changing colors is Gods mood for us or something. I don't know. It's kind of bittersweet to think that I still watch the sunset and make shapes out of clouds. Its crazy to think that i'm not so little anymore. my brothers and i used to go out to the town park or baseball field and my mother would whistle when we needed to come back. Now i don't hear any whistling. Part of me holds on to the past because thats when he was alive. life was still hard for us even as kids but somehow we still had fun. now life is hard in other ways and i still have fun. this time i know why i can have fun even in hard times. my oldest brother was mean but if i could get my brothers and i together i'd love to watch a sunset with them. i don't think i'd want to reminice about the past with them. sometimes its hard to think that there's continued life after someones death. even with strangers. i often think about other peoples lives and what their story is. i'm being kind of random but thats my mind when i watch sunsets. i always thank God for them. they sure are thought-provoking and beautiful.

bonding time with laptops in hand

lately i've been wanting to evangelize in different ways. recently i was on craigslist to find those poor souls who thought one night stands or internet dating would satisfy them. now i know that craigslist can have some creepers on them but worry not i don't use an email address that is linked with any site like fb or myspace. nor do i give out a bunch of information about myself. unless it was spiritual then i'd give my testimony or something. i couldn't help but notice that many of the ads on craigslist said something about them tired of being single or lonely. i mean i know why people aren't happy being alone/single but they don't know why. i guess i just thought it was kind of weird that so many people go online to look for their fulfillment whether it is for a relationship or one night stand. i have been able to e-mail back and forth to a few people and got them to think but i'm not sure if i made an impact or not. seeing so many ads just kind of brings me down. not in the way that it emphasizes in my life that i'm also single but brings me down that so many are looking online for people. ...oh, i don't mean to sound like finding someone online is terrible or anything but just how they post their ads is a little desperate sounding. there was a guy who says "im tired of being alone, looking to share my time with someone beautifull. Sports minded, music minded, easy going non smoker. Lets start our life together" now would that make you want to date him? maybe if you were desperate as well. he just has this short list at the end as if that's enough. as if someone will respond and then its happily ever after. i think that's a sad thought. it wouldn't be happily ever after, i mean by Gods will it would be but from the ads i've seen most of these people aren't saved.
and that's what they need!
have you met anyone who's been saved say that they're lonely or sound desperate for marriage? maybe at some point in their life, earlier, later, or during a hard time in their life. i was desperate for marriage about a month ago so it happens but God helped me to see that HE IS ENOUGH. so any child of God in the end wouldn't be desperate for marriage because God's love is enough. It's perfect and He knows us more than any husband/wife could. now if only i or anyone else could reach out to them and get them to think about this stuff then maybe, maybe they wouldn't be desperate or as desperate. or maybe i'm still naive when it comes to certain things in life.