she plays the piano while i blog about music. she doesn't know it

we all like music.
it's fun to dance to
it's catchy
it's relatable
we like the artist/band
it's enjoyable

i wasn't huge into pop but there were some songs i enjoyed. i was mostly into rock bands/songs. i listened to these songs/bands all before i became a Christian.

Now i struggle a little bit with letting go of my bands because they aren't good for my ear.

i'm one of the leaders for a girls group that i help out with. we just started a session about media and what God says about it and what the world says.

i've been pretty good so far. i mean, i do struggle but its not a huge struggle. the big struggle that is fading away now is the music i used to go out dancing to and singing along to. i used to go out dancing at a bar with a few gals and it was all pop, country, and a bunch of music to dance dirty to. yup, i was one of the ladies out there showing off my moves.

i don't get as tempted that much to want to go out dancing to show off so that's great!

what i am struggling with though are the lyrics, how a singer sings a certain line or two, and the music that goes with it.

I have to say first is that since I've been a Christian and listening to Christian songs i feel so much better about it and with myself. i'm left wanting more of God and wanting to praise Him.

going through hit songs i find myself struggling with keeping my mind guarded and not let myself sing along or let my emotions out of control. you see, i'm a lyric and music kind a gal. if its relatable i enjoy it even more. if the music can stir my emotions then its even better. but not so much.

i just listened to "we found love" by rihanna and i must admit that i like the music and how she sings her lyrics. what i don't like are the lyrics. i also watched the music video and all around it left me feeling empty and wanting to look for "love in a hopeless place" i'm a pretty broken person to begin with and i used to try to find my self-worth in music, dancing(showing off w/guys), guys, and how i dressed. part of my old self was starting to come out in thought and emotion. i had to fight that off because that's not what i really want. in the video rihanna and her bf live together, go out partying, stealing, smoking together, get into a fight, have sex, joke around, etc and part of me wanted that(minus the stealing, smoking, and fights). part of me felt lost and longing for a relationship and have sex. it's terrible that part of me gets affected like that after a song. am i the only one or doesn't anyone else take notice of their feelings and thoughts after listening to a song? it's easy for me to be influenced by music. it doesn't even have to be about a relationship, it can be about partying and having fun. "Last Friday Night" by katy perry was one of them as well. only a slight part of me wanted to go out dancing but as i watched the music video i noticed that i felt slightly disgusted about it all. a guy looking at the hot girl and chasing after her and katy in bed with some guy. no thank you.

i'm glad to say that i notice how i'm left feeling at the end of songs because it makes me not want to listen to music with terrible messages saying its ok to sleep around, sleep with your bf, partying is ok, drinking underage is ok, and everything else that God didn't intend to happen.

i wonder if people sometimes do things based off the feelings and type of high they get from listening to a song or if it may be just me. i also wonder if they even realize all the bad messages going into their minds. they say it's ok, they say to do what you want and so i will.

it's too bad that serious, precious things are taken so lightly.
i just pray that i'll be able to guard my mind better and that as we go through this series on media the girls will become convicted and let go of these bad messages. its hard when almost everyone is saying "go for it, who cares" and you're young and around other peers who agree and you're trying to not think like that...

bonding time with laptops in hand

lately i've been wanting to evangelize in different ways. recently i was on craigslist to find those poor souls who thought one night stands or internet dating would satisfy them. now i know that craigslist can have some creepers on them but worry not i don't use an email address that is linked with any site like fb or myspace. nor do i give out a bunch of information about myself. unless it was spiritual then i'd give my testimony or something. i couldn't help but notice that many of the ads on craigslist said something about them tired of being single or lonely. i mean i know why people aren't happy being alone/single but they don't know why. i guess i just thought it was kind of weird that so many people go online to look for their fulfillment whether it is for a relationship or one night stand. i have been able to e-mail back and forth to a few people and got them to think but i'm not sure if i made an impact or not. seeing so many ads just kind of brings me down. not in the way that it emphasizes in my life that i'm also single but brings me down that so many are looking online for people. ...oh, i don't mean to sound like finding someone online is terrible or anything but just how they post their ads is a little desperate sounding. there was a guy who says "im tired of being alone, looking to share my time with someone beautifull. Sports minded, music minded, easy going non smoker. Lets start our life together" now would that make you want to date him? maybe if you were desperate as well. he just has this short list at the end as if that's enough. as if someone will respond and then its happily ever after. i think that's a sad thought. it wouldn't be happily ever after, i mean by Gods will it would be but from the ads i've seen most of these people aren't saved.
and that's what they need!
have you met anyone who's been saved say that they're lonely or sound desperate for marriage? maybe at some point in their life, earlier, later, or during a hard time in their life. i was desperate for marriage about a month ago so it happens but God helped me to see that HE IS ENOUGH. so any child of God in the end wouldn't be desperate for marriage because God's love is enough. It's perfect and He knows us more than any husband/wife could. now if only i or anyone else could reach out to them and get them to think about this stuff then maybe, maybe they wouldn't be desperate or as desperate. or maybe i'm still naive when it comes to certain things in life.

shadows of vines dance outside my window

Last year in July i started volunteering with Living Hope Ministries as a youth leader for a girls group. it started as a large group of girls. there's a big difference in age from about 12-16ish. not all of the girls know God and so some of the younger girls would hear some of the other girls talking about things they shouldn't have been. a mother of the younger girls didn't want them coming back because of that. it was reasonable so A, who is the director of L.H, thought that maybe we should split the girls up in two different groups. And so we did. i'm a leader for the younger girls so i help out with what i can. There are three of us leaders for this group and we try to discuss what we can do for a lesson, how to present it, memorizing bible verses, projects, outtings, and getting together to have meetings about this.

Last night 2/25 A and I were dropping the girls off from a Dare2Share conference. http://www.dare2share.org/ A and I finally get back to our place around 10:30. the night before we both didn't get much for sleep but we pushed through the day. i think everyone elses excitement made us forget about how sleepy we were. After we got back we were talking a lot about the weekend, the girls, our growth, what more we could do, how to raise support for the ministry to keep going to conferences and for the tutoring session going on.

As A and I were talking I realize just how tired i really am. the last two weeks have been horrible for getting sleep. So there i was realizing how tired i am but somehow i'm allowing myself to stay up and talk more about what we can do as leaders to grow and grow for our kids we teach. how to make disciples out of them, how to train them to disciple other people, how to grow spiritually, how we can grow as leaders spiritually,etc. as A was talking it hit me that i'm still up for them. for spritual growth. in the last 7 months slowly but surely i've started to think a little less about myself but more on the girls. i'm still selfish in ways but lately my mind has been on the girls and we do stay up for awhile sometimes talking about their growth and improvement. i just started mentoring a girl a few weeks ago and so now instead of using my time to do what i want, i'm using my time to write out notes for the next lesson, i'm praying for her and the other girls a little more than i used to.

now i don't want to make it seem like every minute of my day is focused on them but a little at a time i'm thinking more of them, their growth, my growth, praying, lessons, meetings, A and I discussing everything. It's great! I really want less of me and more God direction in my life. i am so excited that i noticed this last night. i am still selfish in other ways but hey, i'm a working process. God will work in me as He sees fit for the situation. i like seeing the change in me that He's doing. Also in other people. We may not see Him face to face but we see His work in eachother and that's where we can see Him. My change doesn't come from myself. honestly, i like my sleep and a few years ago i probably would've avoided staying up late to discuss what's going on and what we see growing. but now, now i enjoy seeing and talking about growth. that is not my own doing. i'm not forcing myself to change, if i could i'd speed up the process but i can't. until i'm where i want to be, i'm going to enjoy seeing me and others grow in a slow, step by step process and enjoy the awkwardness of growth because awkward is awesome ;)

Suddenly there were clouds

I seem to be growing. I feel and see it. So i must right? But i think i'm. ...I am stuck.

four months ago(oct) I was doing just fine. i was slowly growing and i got to minister to people at my old job. One day I quit. I believe He told me to. He must have because since i quit i've seen and felt myself growing even more. I've come to love Him more. backing up a bit, my job paid well. i could spend money and still have enough for rent and help out others if i needed to. fast forward to now, i can't afford anything but gas. that's only $35 to almost fill up my car. i haven't been able to pay rent or bills. i'm also behind on my loans. what was i going to do? ask for help? (O.O) you mean go from being able to hand out money to asking for it? ugh, that's a nightmare.
four months later, it still is. my old roommate,S, pointed out that i may have a pride problem.
as a Christian, aren't we supposed to be humble? we're supposed to share eachothers burdens. i'll lend you my ear and i'll let you listen only if you ask. that really is how it is with me. i do admit that i have a problem with pride. not so much with having money and being able to spend it but having to be helpless and breaking down to ask. to be meek, humble, sincere, whatever.
i'm living on my own with roommates, aren't i supposed to be able to take care of myself? i feel like one of those homeless people on the streets holding a sign up for money. they look sad, pathetic, helpless! sometimes i can't help but think that they put themselves there. did i put myself here? am i sad, pathetic, and helpless? maybe. how is it that they can stand on the street with a sign? do they not care about what others think of them? are they liars and only want money because they're on drugs? do i care too much about the situation that i'm in and about what others may think of me? i think that i am a homeless person on the street. i'm just not holding up a sign to show everyone. i'm struggling, isn't that ok? im not lying when i say that ive been seraching for a job. how do you know? how do i know that the homeless people aren't lying either?
i guess too many people have been deceitful and did what they could to get what they wanted. i am worried about people thinking that of me. if people don't know me they just very well might think that.
i don't want to be helpless!
i also know and came to realize this a few times that i need God. that i am helpless without Him. God provides. through other people. our family in Christ. of course i'd help someone just like me in a split second if a member of Gods family was in my shoes. i'm still scared to ask for help.
i guess money is a big issue for me because one of my brothers just kept asking for money and said that he'd pay whoever back but he never did. it'll be awhile before i could pay anyone back but i don't want to be compared to him.
maybe for people who have grown up Christian don't have money issues because they all realize and know that their money isn't theirs. that it's Gods money. He provided for them and they could make payments on time without having people call them.
i've always thought that i never wanted to be like, M. i never wanted to be behind on bills or anything. i never wanted to have a phone call from anyone saying that i'm in debt.
it's happened. my old thinking has come true. i still dont want it to happen but it will continue to happen until i do get caught up in everything.
so now what?
I trust. i have trust in God that He will provide for me again to be able to get caught up.
but what about now? my rent? i do have somone i could ask. but i'm scared. i don't think that my pride has been broken down just yet. S knows my situation and has already spoken about covering my rent once before but then my roommate covered for me. i said that i'd pay her back. it's like i cant accept money unless if i can pay them back. even if it takes a few years. again, i'm too proud to really admit that i'm helpless and that i need help.
do i just ask and practice humility? or do i break down my thoughts until i can come to terms and then ask?
how can i be so wiling to give money and be so kind hearted to someone else in my shoes but i have to think that i'm not good enough to be helped?
it sounds like a whole new issue. not good enough? let my thinking take me away....