Suddenly there were clouds

I seem to be growing. I feel and see it. So i must right? But i think i'm. ...I am stuck.

four months ago(oct) I was doing just fine. i was slowly growing and i got to minister to people at my old job. One day I quit. I believe He told me to. He must have because since i quit i've seen and felt myself growing even more. I've come to love Him more. backing up a bit, my job paid well. i could spend money and still have enough for rent and help out others if i needed to. fast forward to now, i can't afford anything but gas. that's only $35 to almost fill up my car. i haven't been able to pay rent or bills. i'm also behind on my loans. what was i going to do? ask for help? (O.O) you mean go from being able to hand out money to asking for it? ugh, that's a nightmare.
four months later, it still is. my old roommate,S, pointed out that i may have a pride problem.
as a Christian, aren't we supposed to be humble? we're supposed to share eachothers burdens. i'll lend you my ear and i'll let you listen only if you ask. that really is how it is with me. i do admit that i have a problem with pride. not so much with having money and being able to spend it but having to be helpless and breaking down to ask. to be meek, humble, sincere, whatever.
i'm living on my own with roommates, aren't i supposed to be able to take care of myself? i feel like one of those homeless people on the streets holding a sign up for money. they look sad, pathetic, helpless! sometimes i can't help but think that they put themselves there. did i put myself here? am i sad, pathetic, and helpless? maybe. how is it that they can stand on the street with a sign? do they not care about what others think of them? are they liars and only want money because they're on drugs? do i care too much about the situation that i'm in and about what others may think of me? i think that i am a homeless person on the street. i'm just not holding up a sign to show everyone. i'm struggling, isn't that ok? im not lying when i say that ive been seraching for a job. how do you know? how do i know that the homeless people aren't lying either?
i guess too many people have been deceitful and did what they could to get what they wanted. i am worried about people thinking that of me. if people don't know me they just very well might think that.
i don't want to be helpless!
i also know and came to realize this a few times that i need God. that i am helpless without Him. God provides. through other people. our family in Christ. of course i'd help someone just like me in a split second if a member of Gods family was in my shoes. i'm still scared to ask for help.
i guess money is a big issue for me because one of my brothers just kept asking for money and said that he'd pay whoever back but he never did. it'll be awhile before i could pay anyone back but i don't want to be compared to him.
maybe for people who have grown up Christian don't have money issues because they all realize and know that their money isn't theirs. that it's Gods money. He provided for them and they could make payments on time without having people call them.
i've always thought that i never wanted to be like, M. i never wanted to be behind on bills or anything. i never wanted to have a phone call from anyone saying that i'm in debt.
it's happened. my old thinking has come true. i still dont want it to happen but it will continue to happen until i do get caught up in everything.
so now what?
I trust. i have trust in God that He will provide for me again to be able to get caught up.
but what about now? my rent? i do have somone i could ask. but i'm scared. i don't think that my pride has been broken down just yet. S knows my situation and has already spoken about covering my rent once before but then my roommate covered for me. i said that i'd pay her back. it's like i cant accept money unless if i can pay them back. even if it takes a few years. again, i'm too proud to really admit that i'm helpless and that i need help.
do i just ask and practice humility? or do i break down my thoughts until i can come to terms and then ask?
how can i be so wiling to give money and be so kind hearted to someone else in my shoes but i have to think that i'm not good enough to be helped?
it sounds like a whole new issue. not good enough? let my thinking take me away....