a Bible that isn't open doesn't help

All things I JUST noticed point to get a job, any job.
I have been spoiled wanting a job that pays the right
amount, a job that i won't be angry about working at,
a job with the right hours, a job that i think is perfect
for me. i have brought us down so you can kick me out.

it's been a long, hard road and a very hard lesson to learn.
i am a very clueless person who clearly needs to constantly take
the hard route to learn something. i have to fall on my face to
learn anything.

i can only imagine what anyone thinks of me and what i've been
doing in these last many months.

i am a naive person and i know this. i never know how naive i am
until something comes up. i never realize most things until something
comes up. i am there now.

i will give up everything to get back up. i would like to hide and pretend
that i'm not around so that its not a constant reminder to anyone about
this.

i think that i will always stumble. i don't know if i'll ever be able
to walk without tripping.

so i'm supposed to be 'doing something' not waiting on God to show me. how does it work that He shows some people things and not others? if i'm supposed to 'just go' then part of me doesn't want to ask or even lean on God for approval or for help. if i'm supposed to go on my own and trust that He's guiding me then why should i pray about anything? again, i think that i'm going to have to fall on my face to find out. i know that this is my own fault but part of me just wants to turn away. part of me wants to blame Him for my lack of responsibility because He brought me here. It was clear for me to quit Merwins and so i thought He'd bring up the right job since He wanted me out. sure, its been good growth and i'm glad for it. i guess this is 'growing up' in many ways.

i'm realizing that i'm expecting God to grow me without any effort on my part. ...ok, with little effort on my part. i go to Him for everything and i try, i try to go His Word when I'm really upset but i never know where to look for help and i guess i just expect God to comfort me. to be able to feel His presence but i never do and so thats when i want to turn away and say that He's never there when i need Him. oh, it's so easy to lie to myself. its so easy for my mind to let in lies. its so easy to let myself turn away. again, i think that i'm supposed to fall on my face to make a better effort and know that He is there. spiritually, i think i'm more scarred and bruised than anyone else i know. sometimes i think that it would be good if i just lay down and let myself get bruised until i realize that i could be stronger and that i need to get myself back up and fight. but i'm not there yet. i lack self-esteem and so i 'deserve' to learn things the hard way. maybe when i'm 30-35 i'll look back and see much growth. i hope so.