these thoughts may or may not get to him

i scrolled through my photos on my old phone. i see your two photos
and i stop to look at them. i can see mom in you. if i look at different
parts of your face or maybe squint my eyes a little i can dad in you too.
i couldn't see much of L in you. Maybe a little bit of H. I can see you in
me. I can also see L in me and H. It's crazy to think how we all look alike.

i thought about myself. the way i looked in '05. so young looking. i still look
young but now with some maturity in my face. i tried to imagine what you may have
looked like if you were still alive. that was hard to picture. i can't imagine you
looking older than one of your last photos. shorter hair on your made you look a little more mature. long hair looked good on you too. you were also skinny and i never understood how you and H were so skinny and i had chub on me. as you have called me a few times when i was younger, i was a couch potato. you were active and
had great metabolism.

i look at the photo of your blowing out your birthday candles. if i wanted to i could stop myself in time and stare at you for a long time. its weird to think that the photo is a moment caught and its stuck like that forever and i can pull my face away and continue in my days. that i have a life and you did.

you will never talk to me as long as i live. maybe even after we might not be able to. you will never mature. you will never become a comedian or an archaeologist. you will never be able to blow out candles anymore. you will never attend my wedding if i ever get married. physically be older than me.

so many you will nevers.....

how long have you thought about suicide before you made that final decision? Do you know how sorry i am for the words that i've said to you when we were younger? I've finally been able to forgive myself. Sometimes guilt comes up but i have to let it go and give it to God because Christ already died for that. Did you accept Him before you died? Do you know now that I've accepted Him?

So many unanswered questions....

I bet you didn't know that I was also suicidal. i was going to do what you did a month before you. i chickened out. i didn't want to do it wrong. but guess what? death isn't an option anymore. God pulled me out of my darkness. He revealed Himself to me. I'm now His child!!! I think that you would have been happy for me. i think that if you were still alive you would've come to Christ yourself at some point.

God used you for part of His plan to bring me to Him. That's exciting! i mean exciting as that He helped me come out of my depression and has been healing me. i've learned so many things from your life and suicide.

I think that you and i would have drawn closer together as we got older. or so i like to think so. i also like to think that you would have ended up being a godly man. even though you laughed at some bad jokes you never seemed to be terribly 'sinful'.

as i look at your photo i realize again that i can't remember what your voice sounded like. you seem to be just a faded memory. you have faded from me a bit. if i don't have a photo in front of me i can barely remember what you looked like. i'm glad that we have photos. i couldn't ever forget you as my brother but physically i could. i remember things we used to do together and what we've said to each other.

sometimes thinking of you brings me down. what gets to me more is not knowing if you're with God or in hell. would i want to know? maybe. it would hurt to know that you aren't with our Father but at least i would know and not have to wonder. i don't know what hurts more, not knowing or knowing and finding out that you aren't in heaven.

i want to say that even though we didn't get along most of the time, i'm glad that we ...were/are(?) siblings.

please know that i am growing and that i love you.