these thoughts may or may not get to him

i scrolled through my photos on my old phone. i see your two photos
and i stop to look at them. i can see mom in you. if i look at different
parts of your face or maybe squint my eyes a little i can dad in you too.
i couldn't see much of L in you. Maybe a little bit of H. I can see you in
me. I can also see L in me and H. It's crazy to think how we all look alike.

i thought about myself. the way i looked in '05. so young looking. i still look
young but now with some maturity in my face. i tried to imagine what you may have
looked like if you were still alive. that was hard to picture. i can't imagine you
looking older than one of your last photos. shorter hair on your made you look a little more mature. long hair looked good on you too. you were also skinny and i never understood how you and H were so skinny and i had chub on me. as you have called me a few times when i was younger, i was a couch potato. you were active and
had great metabolism.

i look at the photo of your blowing out your birthday candles. if i wanted to i could stop myself in time and stare at you for a long time. its weird to think that the photo is a moment caught and its stuck like that forever and i can pull my face away and continue in my days. that i have a life and you did.

you will never talk to me as long as i live. maybe even after we might not be able to. you will never mature. you will never become a comedian or an archaeologist. you will never be able to blow out candles anymore. you will never attend my wedding if i ever get married. physically be older than me.

so many you will nevers.....

how long have you thought about suicide before you made that final decision? Do you know how sorry i am for the words that i've said to you when we were younger? I've finally been able to forgive myself. Sometimes guilt comes up but i have to let it go and give it to God because Christ already died for that. Did you accept Him before you died? Do you know now that I've accepted Him?

So many unanswered questions....

I bet you didn't know that I was also suicidal. i was going to do what you did a month before you. i chickened out. i didn't want to do it wrong. but guess what? death isn't an option anymore. God pulled me out of my darkness. He revealed Himself to me. I'm now His child!!! I think that you would have been happy for me. i think that if you were still alive you would've come to Christ yourself at some point.

God used you for part of His plan to bring me to Him. That's exciting! i mean exciting as that He helped me come out of my depression and has been healing me. i've learned so many things from your life and suicide.

I think that you and i would have drawn closer together as we got older. or so i like to think so. i also like to think that you would have ended up being a godly man. even though you laughed at some bad jokes you never seemed to be terribly 'sinful'.

as i look at your photo i realize again that i can't remember what your voice sounded like. you seem to be just a faded memory. you have faded from me a bit. if i don't have a photo in front of me i can barely remember what you looked like. i'm glad that we have photos. i couldn't ever forget you as my brother but physically i could. i remember things we used to do together and what we've said to each other.

sometimes thinking of you brings me down. what gets to me more is not knowing if you're with God or in hell. would i want to know? maybe. it would hurt to know that you aren't with our Father but at least i would know and not have to wonder. i don't know what hurts more, not knowing or knowing and finding out that you aren't in heaven.

i want to say that even though we didn't get along most of the time, i'm glad that we ...were/are(?) siblings.

please know that i am growing and that i love you.

aquaphor by my side

As it starts getting warmer out you'll be seeing me more. And i will be seeing more sunsets. One of my favorite things to do is watching a sun set and sometimes rise. Tonight was a good night to be outside. I enjoy the breeze, the birds chirping, and the colors in sky start to fade. The clouds are always good to look at too. I was sitting outside and realized that i used to that when i was younger as well. The difference now is that i'm in a city and there are houses across the street from me. i hope that nobody on the other side thinks that i'm trying to be a creeper and watch for them. (O.o) As i sat outside i couldn't help but ask myself, "how has time flown so fast?". Its crazy, the sky is always the same but the clouds come and go. I just thought of it, but it reminds me of God. He's always there and never changing and we come and go. Yeah, the sky changes colors so maybe i could say that the changing colors is Gods mood for us or something. I don't know. It's kind of bittersweet to think that I still watch the sunset and make shapes out of clouds. Its crazy to think that i'm not so little anymore. my brothers and i used to go out to the town park or baseball field and my mother would whistle when we needed to come back. Now i don't hear any whistling. Part of me holds on to the past because thats when he was alive. life was still hard for us even as kids but somehow we still had fun. now life is hard in other ways and i still have fun. this time i know why i can have fun even in hard times. my oldest brother was mean but if i could get my brothers and i together i'd love to watch a sunset with them. i don't think i'd want to reminice about the past with them. sometimes its hard to think that there's continued life after someones death. even with strangers. i often think about other peoples lives and what their story is. i'm being kind of random but thats my mind when i watch sunsets. i always thank God for them. they sure are thought-provoking and beautiful.

bonding time with laptops in hand

lately i've been wanting to evangelize in different ways. recently i was on craigslist to find those poor souls who thought one night stands or internet dating would satisfy them. now i know that craigslist can have some creepers on them but worry not i don't use an email address that is linked with any site like fb or myspace. nor do i give out a bunch of information about myself. unless it was spiritual then i'd give my testimony or something. i couldn't help but notice that many of the ads on craigslist said something about them tired of being single or lonely. i mean i know why people aren't happy being alone/single but they don't know why. i guess i just thought it was kind of weird that so many people go online to look for their fulfillment whether it is for a relationship or one night stand. i have been able to e-mail back and forth to a few people and got them to think but i'm not sure if i made an impact or not. seeing so many ads just kind of brings me down. not in the way that it emphasizes in my life that i'm also single but brings me down that so many are looking online for people. ...oh, i don't mean to sound like finding someone online is terrible or anything but just how they post their ads is a little desperate sounding. there was a guy who says "im tired of being alone, looking to share my time with someone beautifull. Sports minded, music minded, easy going non smoker. Lets start our life together" now would that make you want to date him? maybe if you were desperate as well. he just has this short list at the end as if that's enough. as if someone will respond and then its happily ever after. i think that's a sad thought. it wouldn't be happily ever after, i mean by Gods will it would be but from the ads i've seen most of these people aren't saved.
and that's what they need!
have you met anyone who's been saved say that they're lonely or sound desperate for marriage? maybe at some point in their life, earlier, later, or during a hard time in their life. i was desperate for marriage about a month ago so it happens but God helped me to see that HE IS ENOUGH. so any child of God in the end wouldn't be desperate for marriage because God's love is enough. It's perfect and He knows us more than any husband/wife could. now if only i or anyone else could reach out to them and get them to think about this stuff then maybe, maybe they wouldn't be desperate or as desperate. or maybe i'm still naive when it comes to certain things in life.

a blanket as a skirt and a shawl around my arms

"I'm lonely. Please pet me, hold me.
I'm crying out. Why do they not hear me?
When I get higher for them to notice me all I hear is my name and a no.
I jump down and talk some more.
Finally! My owner comes. He'll notice me and pet me!
I walk into his room and jump on his bed."
WHACK!

"What did I do? Is he playing with me? His eyes don't seem like it. I try to run but he pulls me back my tail. I cry out."

WHACK!

"Why? This hurts!
Why is he hurting me?
My face, it hurts.
I must defend myself.
Yes, I must attack back."

WHACK!
"My mouth, my eyes. They hurt.
I need to hide.
Small space. Quick!
Safe for now.
Why?
Why would he start hurting me for?
I thought he loved me.
I must tell someone else that I'm being hit.
I look out at him.
Still there's anger in his eyes.
Maybe. Maybe I could cheer him up. I'll go to him.
I jump on his bed.
He just looks at me.
I'll try talking to him."

WHACK!
"I turn and jump. He barely touches me.
He yells my name. I stop to lay down in submission to him. I don't want him hurting me.
I need to leave this room. To get out. I walk to the door.
My name is called. I lay down.
After a little bit I get up again and scratch at the door.
WHACK!
I run to the corner.
He isn't moving.
Why is he looking at me like that?
He doesn't look as angry this time.
His eyes look a little sad.
I can't trust him. He'll hit me.
My ear hurts.
Is it damaged?
He grabs me.
I'm tense.
Prepare yourself.
He's petting me. Why?
I'm confused.
He hurts me and now he's petting me.
A trick.
He's touching my ear.
Please stop, it hurts.
You did this and now you want to see if I'm ok?
I need to get away.
Don't act like you care or look sad.
It's your fault. Let me out!
He reaches for the doorhandle.
I'm free?
This is my chance. I run for it.
The door closes behind me.
Help me! I've been hit!
They shush me.
Why?
Can't you see that I've been hit?
help.
Why do you say no again?
Am I not allowed to express myself?
I need shelter, a protector.
I need help"

"A righteous man cares for the needs of his animal, but the kindest acts of the wicked are cruel" Prov 12:10
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute" Prov 31:8

shadows of vines dance outside my window

Last year in July i started volunteering with Living Hope Ministries as a youth leader for a girls group. it started as a large group of girls. there's a big difference in age from about 12-16ish. not all of the girls know God and so some of the younger girls would hear some of the other girls talking about things they shouldn't have been. a mother of the younger girls didn't want them coming back because of that. it was reasonable so A, who is the director of L.H, thought that maybe we should split the girls up in two different groups. And so we did. i'm a leader for the younger girls so i help out with what i can. There are three of us leaders for this group and we try to discuss what we can do for a lesson, how to present it, memorizing bible verses, projects, outtings, and getting together to have meetings about this.

Last night 2/25 A and I were dropping the girls off from a Dare2Share conference. http://www.dare2share.org/ A and I finally get back to our place around 10:30. the night before we both didn't get much for sleep but we pushed through the day. i think everyone elses excitement made us forget about how sleepy we were. After we got back we were talking a lot about the weekend, the girls, our growth, what more we could do, how to raise support for the ministry to keep going to conferences and for the tutoring session going on.

As A and I were talking I realize just how tired i really am. the last two weeks have been horrible for getting sleep. So there i was realizing how tired i am but somehow i'm allowing myself to stay up and talk more about what we can do as leaders to grow and grow for our kids we teach. how to make disciples out of them, how to train them to disciple other people, how to grow spiritually, how we can grow as leaders spiritually,etc. as A was talking it hit me that i'm still up for them. for spritual growth. in the last 7 months slowly but surely i've started to think a little less about myself but more on the girls. i'm still selfish in ways but lately my mind has been on the girls and we do stay up for awhile sometimes talking about their growth and improvement. i just started mentoring a girl a few weeks ago and so now instead of using my time to do what i want, i'm using my time to write out notes for the next lesson, i'm praying for her and the other girls a little more than i used to.

now i don't want to make it seem like every minute of my day is focused on them but a little at a time i'm thinking more of them, their growth, my growth, praying, lessons, meetings, A and I discussing everything. It's great! I really want less of me and more God direction in my life. i am so excited that i noticed this last night. i am still selfish in other ways but hey, i'm a working process. God will work in me as He sees fit for the situation. i like seeing the change in me that He's doing. Also in other people. We may not see Him face to face but we see His work in eachother and that's where we can see Him. My change doesn't come from myself. honestly, i like my sleep and a few years ago i probably would've avoided staying up late to discuss what's going on and what we see growing. but now, now i enjoy seeing and talking about growth. that is not my own doing. i'm not forcing myself to change, if i could i'd speed up the process but i can't. until i'm where i want to be, i'm going to enjoy seeing me and others grow in a slow, step by step process and enjoy the awkwardness of growth because awkward is awesome ;)

Beck sits there waiting to be watched

How long would you keep forgiving the same mistake until you'd want to give up?

Right now I'm reading "Israel, My Beloved" and in the first three chapters I had that question rolling in my head.

Sarah is married to her husband and He is perfect. She leaves Him so that she can live the way she wants to. And what she wants in the beginning is lovers. She's tired of being 'tied down' to just Him. She's tired of following His rules and not being able to explore the world.

He, of course, is upset. He says that He'll forgive her. He always had forgiven her. He is hurt so deeply that she'd rather be with other guys than to be perfectly held in His arms. In His presence. He becomes angry, jealous, then back to upset. He yells out in the wind that she will always be His beloved that He'll forgive her.

The first three chapters are pretty intense expressing His emotions.

I then wondered about us. If we're married and we went ahead and cheated on our spouse but then later came back in repentance, how many times do you think your spouse would forgive you before he/she would want to call it quits? Of course we aren't perfect, we haven't been completed in Christ just yet. But as we continue to live we do go through tough situations so that we can be made into perfection. We don't stop, we continually keep growing in Christ and being Christ-like.

It would be really hard. Let's say your husband or wife cheated on you six times so far, would you be able to forgive? What about trust? I wonder if Sarahs husband stopped trusting her knowing that she'd cheat again. But marriage is extremely important to God. So then what? Would you stick around, get couseling together, and work it out? Or would you say enough is enough at some point? How far can one go before you think this marriage isn't worth fixing? You would then think maybe they aren't Christians then if one is always cheating. What about Sarah? Her husband chose her knowing what was going to happen. Again, God is perfect so He can handle it and deal with it accordingly. And He does. He doesn't divorce her though.

So how can we bring this into our own marriages today? If enough is really enough, what then? You don't want a divorce because you care about marriage the way God does, so then what? How could one handle it accordingly?

On the other hand, as i read the first three chapters I was also in awe about the way He expresses Himself and how He still loves her. He does do what is just but it doesn't mean that He doesnt love her. Anyway, I also started thinking, yeah, it would be pretty rad to be married to a guy who would have that same love toward me. I then had to stop and think what am i thinking? I don't need to be married to have that same love when i have it already from God Himself. It came to me once before when i really accepted that i may never get married and that i'd be fine with that. but as i'm reading this book, my heart and thoughts have been changing as well. I don't feel like keeping my eyes peeled or anything. God truly is enough for me. I read once that this guy really wanted to be married and after awhile when he and his then girlfriend broke up he was upset with God thinking don't you want me to be happy and get married? then something stirred in his heart and it was like God was asking him is my love not enough for you? He then started thinking about that and he realized that saying that he needs to get married is really like saying God isn't enough. He realized that God filled the hole and desire in his heart and he then thought i don't mind if i don't get married. He stopped searching and was fine after that.

I've come to that place myself. Sure, I'd like to get married but only if that's what God wants. His love really is enough. If i did get married i'd make it clear that it must be Christ-centered and be done and lived out the way God meant for it to be.

Growing up after my parents got a divorce i stopped believing in marriage. I also didn't believe in divorce either. I didn't have to worry about divorce since i never was going to get married. i strongly against marriage especially, if i ever dated, if the guy didn't take it seriously and know that if we ever came to the thought about marriage that counseling would be a requirement if we slipped away from eachother or divorce was not an option. that i would not allow a divorce and that he would know that for me marriage meant for life, that it meant growing wrinkles with me. i was pretty intense about my thoughts against marriage, if marriage ever came up, and intense about no divorcing.

After i became i Christian, i still didn't believe in marriage but slowly God changed my heart and mind about it. Now my intensity is still strong but strong in a different way. what God wants is what i want.

coming back to the main topic, we are brides of Christ. We will get married to Him. Even now He doesn't leave us. We are the cheaters in this case. Just like Sarah we go after other 'lovers' in this world and yet God still loves us. He still forgives us. We also must come to repentance too. God wants us to realize that His love is enough and we should be wanting forgivenss from Him. That we realize the mistakes we make and know that it hurts Him. In the end though, He is gentle and does rebuke us when we need it. But it's all out of love. And His love is perfect. I want and will always want that perfect love. Nothing else could measure up.

blue vines growing on a wall

"I get on my knees and worship"

nope, sadly this comment isn't about/to God. This comment was for a 'sexy' photo
of a woman. It's so sad that looks are so important. People getting plastic surgery done, angling their cameras just right for a self-photo, wearing clothes that show a little too much, and posing in a way that leads mind to places they shouldn't go.

maybe if people were more secure in their own lives with themselves then maybe hollywood wouldn't have much of an effect on people. But of course we want to be able to live up to their standards on what beauty is even if we never become a model, singer, or actress because then in our own lives other people will take notice whether they really know you or not.

i got a random request once from this guy i didn't know and i just accepted him because i don't really talk to half of the people on fb anyway so i just thought whatever. then almost right as i accepted him he started commenting on my photos. no buddy, i don't want comments from you. one comment on a photo he put 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder" right. if that was ok and true then this world would be so full of plastic surgery more than what it is now because one person may see you as beautiful but someone else might not think so. so then you must do something to change that right? pssh what a terrible quote to be said.

i wonder how insecure they really are. how unloved and ugly they feel about themselves. but then again, take a 'sexy' photo of yourself, get a few comments, and boom! i'm not ugly, i just got a comment saying that i'm sexy or whatever. well, friends, those are the wrong kinds of comments you want, unless if you're married but save it for your personal time to express thoughts like that. but really, if people would only get over their do-what-makes-me-happy set of mind and they really knew God, then, THEN they could start to heal and see how God views them.

i'm there right now. I'm still a little insecure but God made me in His image and He created me just the way He wanted me to be. What could be better than that? Getting plastic surgery or trying to enhance yourself everyday is like insulting God and saying "You didn't do this right' or 'the way i look isn't good enough"

Shouldn't God be good enough? They should know this. Of course it comes down to people denying Him and letting themselves be influenced with all that Satan has done in the world without them truly knowing it.

South Korea has the most plastic surgeries performed than any other country. Out there everyone wants a shot at stardom. Same here. but this also brings me to other thoughts about being famous. maybe i'll write on that later. maybe.

either way we just need to reach out more and more. Especially to the younger generation since they're easily influenced. (0.0) ack! what do you think it says to the kids of a mother who's gotten plastic surgery done? Oh those poor children.

i also think about the comment at the beginning and just imagine their reaction when we finally do die and see God. this guy comments about worshipping her when all along it should be God he should be worshipping. I feel fearful for him. I couldn't imagine even just joking about worshipping anything or anyone else. That's a scary thought for me. If only everyone knew...