a blanket as a skirt and a shawl around my arms

"I'm lonely. Please pet me, hold me.
I'm crying out. Why do they not hear me?
When I get higher for them to notice me all I hear is my name and a no.
I jump down and talk some more.
Finally! My owner comes. He'll notice me and pet me!
I walk into his room and jump on his bed."
WHACK!

"What did I do? Is he playing with me? His eyes don't seem like it. I try to run but he pulls me back my tail. I cry out."

WHACK!

"Why? This hurts!
Why is he hurting me?
My face, it hurts.
I must defend myself.
Yes, I must attack back."

WHACK!
"My mouth, my eyes. They hurt.
I need to hide.
Small space. Quick!
Safe for now.
Why?
Why would he start hurting me for?
I thought he loved me.
I must tell someone else that I'm being hit.
I look out at him.
Still there's anger in his eyes.
Maybe. Maybe I could cheer him up. I'll go to him.
I jump on his bed.
He just looks at me.
I'll try talking to him."

WHACK!
"I turn and jump. He barely touches me.
He yells my name. I stop to lay down in submission to him. I don't want him hurting me.
I need to leave this room. To get out. I walk to the door.
My name is called. I lay down.
After a little bit I get up again and scratch at the door.
WHACK!
I run to the corner.
He isn't moving.
Why is he looking at me like that?
He doesn't look as angry this time.
His eyes look a little sad.
I can't trust him. He'll hit me.
My ear hurts.
Is it damaged?
He grabs me.
I'm tense.
Prepare yourself.
He's petting me. Why?
I'm confused.
He hurts me and now he's petting me.
A trick.
He's touching my ear.
Please stop, it hurts.
You did this and now you want to see if I'm ok?
I need to get away.
Don't act like you care or look sad.
It's your fault. Let me out!
He reaches for the doorhandle.
I'm free?
This is my chance. I run for it.
The door closes behind me.
Help me! I've been hit!
They shush me.
Why?
Can't you see that I've been hit?
help.
Why do you say no again?
Am I not allowed to express myself?
I need shelter, a protector.
I need help"

"A righteous man cares for the needs of his animal, but the kindest acts of the wicked are cruel" Prov 12:10
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute" Prov 31:8

shadows of vines dance outside my window

Last year in July i started volunteering with Living Hope Ministries as a youth leader for a girls group. it started as a large group of girls. there's a big difference in age from about 12-16ish. not all of the girls know God and so some of the younger girls would hear some of the other girls talking about things they shouldn't have been. a mother of the younger girls didn't want them coming back because of that. it was reasonable so A, who is the director of L.H, thought that maybe we should split the girls up in two different groups. And so we did. i'm a leader for the younger girls so i help out with what i can. There are three of us leaders for this group and we try to discuss what we can do for a lesson, how to present it, memorizing bible verses, projects, outtings, and getting together to have meetings about this.

Last night 2/25 A and I were dropping the girls off from a Dare2Share conference. http://www.dare2share.org/ A and I finally get back to our place around 10:30. the night before we both didn't get much for sleep but we pushed through the day. i think everyone elses excitement made us forget about how sleepy we were. After we got back we were talking a lot about the weekend, the girls, our growth, what more we could do, how to raise support for the ministry to keep going to conferences and for the tutoring session going on.

As A and I were talking I realize just how tired i really am. the last two weeks have been horrible for getting sleep. So there i was realizing how tired i am but somehow i'm allowing myself to stay up and talk more about what we can do as leaders to grow and grow for our kids we teach. how to make disciples out of them, how to train them to disciple other people, how to grow spiritually, how we can grow as leaders spiritually,etc. as A was talking it hit me that i'm still up for them. for spritual growth. in the last 7 months slowly but surely i've started to think a little less about myself but more on the girls. i'm still selfish in ways but lately my mind has been on the girls and we do stay up for awhile sometimes talking about their growth and improvement. i just started mentoring a girl a few weeks ago and so now instead of using my time to do what i want, i'm using my time to write out notes for the next lesson, i'm praying for her and the other girls a little more than i used to.

now i don't want to make it seem like every minute of my day is focused on them but a little at a time i'm thinking more of them, their growth, my growth, praying, lessons, meetings, A and I discussing everything. It's great! I really want less of me and more God direction in my life. i am so excited that i noticed this last night. i am still selfish in other ways but hey, i'm a working process. God will work in me as He sees fit for the situation. i like seeing the change in me that He's doing. Also in other people. We may not see Him face to face but we see His work in eachother and that's where we can see Him. My change doesn't come from myself. honestly, i like my sleep and a few years ago i probably would've avoided staying up late to discuss what's going on and what we see growing. but now, now i enjoy seeing and talking about growth. that is not my own doing. i'm not forcing myself to change, if i could i'd speed up the process but i can't. until i'm where i want to be, i'm going to enjoy seeing me and others grow in a slow, step by step process and enjoy the awkwardness of growth because awkward is awesome ;)

Beck sits there waiting to be watched

How long would you keep forgiving the same mistake until you'd want to give up?

Right now I'm reading "Israel, My Beloved" and in the first three chapters I had that question rolling in my head.

Sarah is married to her husband and He is perfect. She leaves Him so that she can live the way she wants to. And what she wants in the beginning is lovers. She's tired of being 'tied down' to just Him. She's tired of following His rules and not being able to explore the world.

He, of course, is upset. He says that He'll forgive her. He always had forgiven her. He is hurt so deeply that she'd rather be with other guys than to be perfectly held in His arms. In His presence. He becomes angry, jealous, then back to upset. He yells out in the wind that she will always be His beloved that He'll forgive her.

The first three chapters are pretty intense expressing His emotions.

I then wondered about us. If we're married and we went ahead and cheated on our spouse but then later came back in repentance, how many times do you think your spouse would forgive you before he/she would want to call it quits? Of course we aren't perfect, we haven't been completed in Christ just yet. But as we continue to live we do go through tough situations so that we can be made into perfection. We don't stop, we continually keep growing in Christ and being Christ-like.

It would be really hard. Let's say your husband or wife cheated on you six times so far, would you be able to forgive? What about trust? I wonder if Sarahs husband stopped trusting her knowing that she'd cheat again. But marriage is extremely important to God. So then what? Would you stick around, get couseling together, and work it out? Or would you say enough is enough at some point? How far can one go before you think this marriage isn't worth fixing? You would then think maybe they aren't Christians then if one is always cheating. What about Sarah? Her husband chose her knowing what was going to happen. Again, God is perfect so He can handle it and deal with it accordingly. And He does. He doesn't divorce her though.

So how can we bring this into our own marriages today? If enough is really enough, what then? You don't want a divorce because you care about marriage the way God does, so then what? How could one handle it accordingly?

On the other hand, as i read the first three chapters I was also in awe about the way He expresses Himself and how He still loves her. He does do what is just but it doesn't mean that He doesnt love her. Anyway, I also started thinking, yeah, it would be pretty rad to be married to a guy who would have that same love toward me. I then had to stop and think what am i thinking? I don't need to be married to have that same love when i have it already from God Himself. It came to me once before when i really accepted that i may never get married and that i'd be fine with that. but as i'm reading this book, my heart and thoughts have been changing as well. I don't feel like keeping my eyes peeled or anything. God truly is enough for me. I read once that this guy really wanted to be married and after awhile when he and his then girlfriend broke up he was upset with God thinking don't you want me to be happy and get married? then something stirred in his heart and it was like God was asking him is my love not enough for you? He then started thinking about that and he realized that saying that he needs to get married is really like saying God isn't enough. He realized that God filled the hole and desire in his heart and he then thought i don't mind if i don't get married. He stopped searching and was fine after that.

I've come to that place myself. Sure, I'd like to get married but only if that's what God wants. His love really is enough. If i did get married i'd make it clear that it must be Christ-centered and be done and lived out the way God meant for it to be.

Growing up after my parents got a divorce i stopped believing in marriage. I also didn't believe in divorce either. I didn't have to worry about divorce since i never was going to get married. i strongly against marriage especially, if i ever dated, if the guy didn't take it seriously and know that if we ever came to the thought about marriage that counseling would be a requirement if we slipped away from eachother or divorce was not an option. that i would not allow a divorce and that he would know that for me marriage meant for life, that it meant growing wrinkles with me. i was pretty intense about my thoughts against marriage, if marriage ever came up, and intense about no divorcing.

After i became i Christian, i still didn't believe in marriage but slowly God changed my heart and mind about it. Now my intensity is still strong but strong in a different way. what God wants is what i want.

coming back to the main topic, we are brides of Christ. We will get married to Him. Even now He doesn't leave us. We are the cheaters in this case. Just like Sarah we go after other 'lovers' in this world and yet God still loves us. He still forgives us. We also must come to repentance too. God wants us to realize that His love is enough and we should be wanting forgivenss from Him. That we realize the mistakes we make and know that it hurts Him. In the end though, He is gentle and does rebuke us when we need it. But it's all out of love. And His love is perfect. I want and will always want that perfect love. Nothing else could measure up.

blue vines growing on a wall

"I get on my knees and worship"

nope, sadly this comment isn't about/to God. This comment was for a 'sexy' photo
of a woman. It's so sad that looks are so important. People getting plastic surgery done, angling their cameras just right for a self-photo, wearing clothes that show a little too much, and posing in a way that leads mind to places they shouldn't go.

maybe if people were more secure in their own lives with themselves then maybe hollywood wouldn't have much of an effect on people. But of course we want to be able to live up to their standards on what beauty is even if we never become a model, singer, or actress because then in our own lives other people will take notice whether they really know you or not.

i got a random request once from this guy i didn't know and i just accepted him because i don't really talk to half of the people on fb anyway so i just thought whatever. then almost right as i accepted him he started commenting on my photos. no buddy, i don't want comments from you. one comment on a photo he put 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder" right. if that was ok and true then this world would be so full of plastic surgery more than what it is now because one person may see you as beautiful but someone else might not think so. so then you must do something to change that right? pssh what a terrible quote to be said.

i wonder how insecure they really are. how unloved and ugly they feel about themselves. but then again, take a 'sexy' photo of yourself, get a few comments, and boom! i'm not ugly, i just got a comment saying that i'm sexy or whatever. well, friends, those are the wrong kinds of comments you want, unless if you're married but save it for your personal time to express thoughts like that. but really, if people would only get over their do-what-makes-me-happy set of mind and they really knew God, then, THEN they could start to heal and see how God views them.

i'm there right now. I'm still a little insecure but God made me in His image and He created me just the way He wanted me to be. What could be better than that? Getting plastic surgery or trying to enhance yourself everyday is like insulting God and saying "You didn't do this right' or 'the way i look isn't good enough"

Shouldn't God be good enough? They should know this. Of course it comes down to people denying Him and letting themselves be influenced with all that Satan has done in the world without them truly knowing it.

South Korea has the most plastic surgeries performed than any other country. Out there everyone wants a shot at stardom. Same here. but this also brings me to other thoughts about being famous. maybe i'll write on that later. maybe.

either way we just need to reach out more and more. Especially to the younger generation since they're easily influenced. (0.0) ack! what do you think it says to the kids of a mother who's gotten plastic surgery done? Oh those poor children.

i also think about the comment at the beginning and just imagine their reaction when we finally do die and see God. this guy comments about worshipping her when all along it should be God he should be worshipping. I feel fearful for him. I couldn't imagine even just joking about worshipping anything or anyone else. That's a scary thought for me. If only everyone knew...

Suddenly there were clouds

I seem to be growing. I feel and see it. So i must right? But i think i'm. ...I am stuck.

four months ago(oct) I was doing just fine. i was slowly growing and i got to minister to people at my old job. One day I quit. I believe He told me to. He must have because since i quit i've seen and felt myself growing even more. I've come to love Him more. backing up a bit, my job paid well. i could spend money and still have enough for rent and help out others if i needed to. fast forward to now, i can't afford anything but gas. that's only $35 to almost fill up my car. i haven't been able to pay rent or bills. i'm also behind on my loans. what was i going to do? ask for help? (O.O) you mean go from being able to hand out money to asking for it? ugh, that's a nightmare.
four months later, it still is. my old roommate,S, pointed out that i may have a pride problem.
as a Christian, aren't we supposed to be humble? we're supposed to share eachothers burdens. i'll lend you my ear and i'll let you listen only if you ask. that really is how it is with me. i do admit that i have a problem with pride. not so much with having money and being able to spend it but having to be helpless and breaking down to ask. to be meek, humble, sincere, whatever.
i'm living on my own with roommates, aren't i supposed to be able to take care of myself? i feel like one of those homeless people on the streets holding a sign up for money. they look sad, pathetic, helpless! sometimes i can't help but think that they put themselves there. did i put myself here? am i sad, pathetic, and helpless? maybe. how is it that they can stand on the street with a sign? do they not care about what others think of them? are they liars and only want money because they're on drugs? do i care too much about the situation that i'm in and about what others may think of me? i think that i am a homeless person on the street. i'm just not holding up a sign to show everyone. i'm struggling, isn't that ok? im not lying when i say that ive been seraching for a job. how do you know? how do i know that the homeless people aren't lying either?
i guess too many people have been deceitful and did what they could to get what they wanted. i am worried about people thinking that of me. if people don't know me they just very well might think that.
i don't want to be helpless!
i also know and came to realize this a few times that i need God. that i am helpless without Him. God provides. through other people. our family in Christ. of course i'd help someone just like me in a split second if a member of Gods family was in my shoes. i'm still scared to ask for help.
i guess money is a big issue for me because one of my brothers just kept asking for money and said that he'd pay whoever back but he never did. it'll be awhile before i could pay anyone back but i don't want to be compared to him.
maybe for people who have grown up Christian don't have money issues because they all realize and know that their money isn't theirs. that it's Gods money. He provided for them and they could make payments on time without having people call them.
i've always thought that i never wanted to be like, M. i never wanted to be behind on bills or anything. i never wanted to have a phone call from anyone saying that i'm in debt.
it's happened. my old thinking has come true. i still dont want it to happen but it will continue to happen until i do get caught up in everything.
so now what?
I trust. i have trust in God that He will provide for me again to be able to get caught up.
but what about now? my rent? i do have somone i could ask. but i'm scared. i don't think that my pride has been broken down just yet. S knows my situation and has already spoken about covering my rent once before but then my roommate covered for me. i said that i'd pay her back. it's like i cant accept money unless if i can pay them back. even if it takes a few years. again, i'm too proud to really admit that i'm helpless and that i need help.
do i just ask and practice humility? or do i break down my thoughts until i can come to terms and then ask?
how can i be so wiling to give money and be so kind hearted to someone else in my shoes but i have to think that i'm not good enough to be helped?
it sounds like a whole new issue. not good enough? let my thinking take me away....

broken but glued together

I just looked back at my old blogs. I can really see how I've changed since '09. I look back and see my views on life back then. I was broken. I was lost. I was searching. Now I've found God. Even when I first became a Christian I was still too open about lifestyles. ....yup I didn't have a home. It's weird to go back and read all that. I thought that I was wise. I had some great thoughts and questions but my views were wrong. I looked in wrong areas of life. I searched for what never existed. I had my heart set on self-fulfillment. Being happy. I would look to my younger brother for advice and wise words. To find the answers of the why's in life. The purpose in life.

I have found it.

He has glued me together. He fills in the spaces of my brokeness. I am still broken, though. There are the cracks in me that can't be put back together so perfectly. They're still seen. And now I have new questions and views to be asked and thought of. I now know where to look and whom to ask when the questions arise. I now care about other peoples lifestyles. It's not a to each his own set of mind, but a let me show you truth set of mind. I don't need to be the rain or breeze as I once wanted to be. I can be just the way i am as I keep transforming into a new me. I still have my whole life to grow and learn. As I keep blogging I'm sure that in two years I'll have new thoughts about today me. I can't wait to see what they'll be.

the search for meaning

I used to wonder what the meaning of life was. I've always believed that after death there was heaven or hell so i never really cared so much about the after life. But I began to think of all the people who I've spoken to who said that we just die and that's that. Some have wondered though what the meaning of life was and why they're living/what they're purpose on earth was. But why wonder about that if we're only going to just die? Don't you think that,for them, it shouldn't matter? Why does anyone wonder why we're living? Don't you think that we wonder because there is something more? there is more to life than just living? that we truly do have a purpose? and even if someone who believe that we only just die after death believe that we have a purpose but then we just die, don't you think that our purpose would be a waste? why figure out what the purpose is and fulfill it if that's it? why search? don't you think that we're living for a purpose and if we are, what happens after death determines what we did as we lived? but why? why do we have a purpose? why do we search? is there someone who gaves us purpose? is there a mastermind behind life who wants us to do something? someone who gave us meaning? someone who gave us longing to find out?

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth" Gen 1:1

Does that fit in your puzzled mind? Don't you think that it makes sense to believe that God created us for a reason? Searching but not believing in God is meaningless. It doesn't make sense to wonder if there isn't 'something more' behind it. Don't you think that God gave us that longing, that hunger to wonder, search, and find Him? and even after finding Him, that hunger to want to know Him and find out what He wants us to do? If you know that God is who He says He is, then you know for sure that we all have a purpose. a purpose as a whole and a purpose individually. and after we die, we find out if we were on His trail. Doesn't the search for meaning, the search for life purpose sound more complete knowing that there is meaning behind it?

and we do! we do have a purpose, a meaning. do you want to know? there are answers. It's all in His Word. You can stop wondering, stop searching, but keep learning.

We have a purpose!