Still learning, always will

I learned that i'm still pretty depressed. I'm working on my way to happiness. Is there true happiness? If so i will rephrase my last sentence. I'm working on my way to true happiness. I have my set backs but I am working on it. Working on letting myself feel every emotion that awakens inside me.

I learned that our two main emotions are fear and love. When you get scared sometimes you get angry because all of those thoughts that could happen or did happen enter your mind and it is fear that you may lose something or someone. I'm letting myself feel these.

I learn that I edit myself. You edit yourself. With the way we dress, our hair, make-up, through texts, staying silent in conversation. I want you to see me the way I want to be seen. I want to look as close to flawless as possible. I want to erase any text that makes me sound ditzy or stupid. We all edit ourselves. I don't want to be edited anymore. Make-up, sure i like it. It enhances my beauty. But don't you think that I'm still beautiful without the make-up too? Even with a couple pimples on my face? We all get them. They go away. It's nice to look our best but are we really dressing to impress or for ourselves? Or to try and control what people think of our style. We all want to look good. We get things for attention without really realizing it. We want the attention to be noticed. That what we have as items is pretty or valuable. We want to be looked at and hope that when they do view us, we are attractive to them or look smart or whatever it may be.

In this world image is pretty much everything. You want to look like you're professional if its a high paying job. But if we all dressed casually or in sweat pants then there wouldn't be any need to go out and buy.

Style is nice. It's fun to look stylish but why? Once again, to be viewed as stylish or be envied or whatever.

I learned that we should take risks. In every positive situation. Even if it may not turn out right. And I don't mean take risks by stealing anything. I mean to take risks and go talk to someone you don't know. If you like your friend as more than a friend, get that out there. If it doens't work out, well, you make situations awkward if you can't get over it and you let yourselves be stuck on that one awkard situation. Move on from that and continue your friendship and just accept that your friend likes you.

I learned (re-experienced) that people will always have something to say about another person. Opinion, gossip, call it what you will, it will be there. If your friend is talking to you about another person, more than likely your friend talks about you too. Jealousy, anger, insecurity etc, should be worked out on a personal level. I think that we all should take time to really learn about ourselves. Why do we talk about eachother? Why are we jealous and what made us so insecure?

I learned that the who live with us are more than pets, they're companions. They really do alter my mood. They brighton up my day whenever I go back home. Every animal has a distinct characteristic about themselves. Even the ones of the same species. They're individuals.

I learned that I'm still confused about the path I've already headed down on. I like what I'm doing. I'm happy with it, but i think we all should have a back up plan.

I want to be happy. Limit everything i have and just be like the descriptions of toaism.
I want to see your side of things. See what you see. I want you to see what I see. Understand where I'm coming from.

I do this because i want to hopefully change the way a person views life. Be a change for someone i don't know. But I also want to feel accepted. I want to feel accepted because, like i said; it comes down to the two main emotions, i want to feel loved. We all want to feel loved.

It may sound selfish, but it's not.

I learned that we do have to be selfish in order to be healthy. Selfish as in caring for our emotions and making sure that we don't fall into deep depression.

I learned something about myself today, career-wise that is, I want to be happy, be free from items, feel free in general. I want to be in shape and be physically healthy because by being physically healthy it helps boost your mood and that helps with depression. I want to go to school to become a workout trainer and still model whenever. I feel set on this.

Part of it is the payment. I want to be stable enought to get by and have a little extra cash for a holiday to go on once a year or so. I don't need to make tons of money to feel secure. I don't want to become what you mostly see with those who make alot. You see them working constantly and sometimes they become materialistic or anything else. Not everyone is like that. I can honestly say that if I ever made tons of money, i could become that and I don't want to be that. I like having to be careful with what i have. If i have too much, I'd spend it. Most of it. I need to learn how to not spend. But I spend because i want what i can't have. and even if i get what i couldn't have before, from saving, i learn that i'm still not happy.

I am jealous. i do envy. i am insecure.
i'm learning to work on those.

I learned that to be a friend you must say how you feel even if it hurts.
I have a few things that I haven't said yet and would like to say. when the time is right. maybe thats now. but who knows, i'm still learning.

I learned that i'm always going to keep on learning and i like that.
I like learning.
I like discovering.
I like being.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired"

(originally written 8/27/09)

would it be crazy of me to wish to be something more? so many people get caught up in the everyday troubles, drama, items, pointless situations they let themselves get into,....whatever. i can sit out in the summer breeze and feel more alive than i ever had been in my life. i feel so free. i wish i were the breeze. am i crazy to want that? i feel like crying at times like this. in a sad happy way. its sad because they aren't here to feel it. but who knows, maybe they are it. i wish i were. its also good because for once i feel more than i ever had. i want to be something, anything to dance in it. won't anyone dance with me? if you could, would you? or be a cloud. that way i could express myself a little bit better by forming myself. doesn't anyone else feel the way i do? i really wonder. i wish i could soar in the sky. myself. my spirit. my soul. break out of this body and just become me with this air. the good, clean air. or somehow become music. its a good way to express yourself. i think i want to be free from all of my fears. i am scared. i'm scared to really live and be (my) something. to trust. to love. to be happy. i know if i could, i'd give it all up to be all that i could to soar. *sigh* this life. i really don't know what to make of it.

the way we are, why are we?

(originally written 10/15/09)

When you're in public do you ever notice other peoples parenting skills? Notice when the mom or dad is yelling at their kid(s) or explaining to their kid(s) about their behavior? Whenever I'm working sometimes I really take notice with parenting skills. There was a mother who had her (maybe)4yr old daughter with her and we could hear some other mother calling out for her child and the mothers daughter was took a couple steps away from her and the mother told her to stand by herand she said to her daughter "what do we call it when the child walks away from their parents" and the daughter says "getting lost" and her mother said "that's right and it's not good when children walk away from their parents" I thought that was good. and there was a different time when a mother came up with her children and i scanned her items and then her son said something about not wanting one of the toys i scanned and his mom was saying "well what do you want? stop putzing(sp) around and tell me what you want" he didn't say anything but turned around and she was starting to get loud when she was talking to him. I felt bad for her child because i know that when i was younger i did the same thing when i got yelled at. i clammed up. and watching some the parents in the store makes me wonder if one day i would be the explaining type of mom or a yeller. For now though i don't want kids but if i did get pregnant i wonder how i'd handle my emotions and frustrations with them. I know that i would never abuse them. and i wonder why some parents are just....more chill than others. i'm sure it's how they grew up and how they were taught. but it's not always like that because i know some people who grew up terribly but ended up being awesome parents. maybe some parents love their kids more than others. i don't know. but sometimes it seems like it.

There isn't a flaw in the world if you think like water. maybe

Do flaws really exsist do you think? Maybe logically if you're doing a math test. But in life; is there? I mean what one person may consider a flaw could be another persons opinion of it being flawless. Like our body structure and the way we look. I could consider my 'butt' chin a flaw but if I really learn to love myself all the way through inside and out, I could be flawless. But please, introduce me to someone who considers themself flawless. Someone who accepts and loves the way they look. I'd enjoy a conversation with that person. Are you flawless?

Or what about the way we think, speak, and our own lifestyle? Saying God when you're mad couldn't be wrong if you're athiest right? Other people may think so but it's your lifestyle. It's fine the way it is. Or people who have road rage or get mad easily. That could be a flaw in their personality but if you accept that you get mad easily, is that still a flaw or is that just you?

So 'flaws' are just opinions isn't it? I mean if we all accepted and learned to love ourselves maybe we'd all be perfect. But who thinks that would ever happen. It's an endless road in discovering yourself.

But outside of personal opinion, flaws exsist. Laws. ...laws. What if someone is very accepting to the laws we have, they just go with the flow and overlook them or they just live simple lives that it doesn't affect them the way other people let it affect them. Then laws are flawless right? to them?

Maybe I'm overthinking but then again....maybe I'm finding something new about myself. I could go deeper and deeper into this. Personal flaws. Generally in others and even more so into myself and discovering the 'whys' of me. Like my own flaw of road rage. I could go on and tell you why I let myself get road rage and you'd know more about me. ...Now I'm just rambling on self-discovery. I think I'd need a face to face conversation with you to go on about that. That could be a flaw too. Seemingly to always talk about myself and self-discovery. or is it??