shadows of vines dance outside my window

Last year in July i started volunteering with Living Hope Ministries as a youth leader for a girls group. it started as a large group of girls. there's a big difference in age from about 12-16ish. not all of the girls know God and so some of the younger girls would hear some of the other girls talking about things they shouldn't have been. a mother of the younger girls didn't want them coming back because of that. it was reasonable so A, who is the director of L.H, thought that maybe we should split the girls up in two different groups. And so we did. i'm a leader for the younger girls so i help out with what i can. There are three of us leaders for this group and we try to discuss what we can do for a lesson, how to present it, memorizing bible verses, projects, outtings, and getting together to have meetings about this.

Last night 2/25 A and I were dropping the girls off from a Dare2Share conference. http://www.dare2share.org/ A and I finally get back to our place around 10:30. the night before we both didn't get much for sleep but we pushed through the day. i think everyone elses excitement made us forget about how sleepy we were. After we got back we were talking a lot about the weekend, the girls, our growth, what more we could do, how to raise support for the ministry to keep going to conferences and for the tutoring session going on.

As A and I were talking I realize just how tired i really am. the last two weeks have been horrible for getting sleep. So there i was realizing how tired i am but somehow i'm allowing myself to stay up and talk more about what we can do as leaders to grow and grow for our kids we teach. how to make disciples out of them, how to train them to disciple other people, how to grow spiritually, how we can grow as leaders spiritually,etc. as A was talking it hit me that i'm still up for them. for spritual growth. in the last 7 months slowly but surely i've started to think a little less about myself but more on the girls. i'm still selfish in ways but lately my mind has been on the girls and we do stay up for awhile sometimes talking about their growth and improvement. i just started mentoring a girl a few weeks ago and so now instead of using my time to do what i want, i'm using my time to write out notes for the next lesson, i'm praying for her and the other girls a little more than i used to.

now i don't want to make it seem like every minute of my day is focused on them but a little at a time i'm thinking more of them, their growth, my growth, praying, lessons, meetings, A and I discussing everything. It's great! I really want less of me and more God direction in my life. i am so excited that i noticed this last night. i am still selfish in other ways but hey, i'm a working process. God will work in me as He sees fit for the situation. i like seeing the change in me that He's doing. Also in other people. We may not see Him face to face but we see His work in eachother and that's where we can see Him. My change doesn't come from myself. honestly, i like my sleep and a few years ago i probably would've avoided staying up late to discuss what's going on and what we see growing. but now, now i enjoy seeing and talking about growth. that is not my own doing. i'm not forcing myself to change, if i could i'd speed up the process but i can't. until i'm where i want to be, i'm going to enjoy seeing me and others grow in a slow, step by step process and enjoy the awkwardness of growth because awkward is awesome ;)

Beck sits there waiting to be watched

How long would you keep forgiving the same mistake until you'd want to give up?

Right now I'm reading "Israel, My Beloved" and in the first three chapters I had that question rolling in my head.

Sarah is married to her husband and He is perfect. She leaves Him so that she can live the way she wants to. And what she wants in the beginning is lovers. She's tired of being 'tied down' to just Him. She's tired of following His rules and not being able to explore the world.

He, of course, is upset. He says that He'll forgive her. He always had forgiven her. He is hurt so deeply that she'd rather be with other guys than to be perfectly held in His arms. In His presence. He becomes angry, jealous, then back to upset. He yells out in the wind that she will always be His beloved that He'll forgive her.

The first three chapters are pretty intense expressing His emotions.

I then wondered about us. If we're married and we went ahead and cheated on our spouse but then later came back in repentance, how many times do you think your spouse would forgive you before he/she would want to call it quits? Of course we aren't perfect, we haven't been completed in Christ just yet. But as we continue to live we do go through tough situations so that we can be made into perfection. We don't stop, we continually keep growing in Christ and being Christ-like.

It would be really hard. Let's say your husband or wife cheated on you six times so far, would you be able to forgive? What about trust? I wonder if Sarahs husband stopped trusting her knowing that she'd cheat again. But marriage is extremely important to God. So then what? Would you stick around, get couseling together, and work it out? Or would you say enough is enough at some point? How far can one go before you think this marriage isn't worth fixing? You would then think maybe they aren't Christians then if one is always cheating. What about Sarah? Her husband chose her knowing what was going to happen. Again, God is perfect so He can handle it and deal with it accordingly. And He does. He doesn't divorce her though.

So how can we bring this into our own marriages today? If enough is really enough, what then? You don't want a divorce because you care about marriage the way God does, so then what? How could one handle it accordingly?

On the other hand, as i read the first three chapters I was also in awe about the way He expresses Himself and how He still loves her. He does do what is just but it doesn't mean that He doesnt love her. Anyway, I also started thinking, yeah, it would be pretty rad to be married to a guy who would have that same love toward me. I then had to stop and think what am i thinking? I don't need to be married to have that same love when i have it already from God Himself. It came to me once before when i really accepted that i may never get married and that i'd be fine with that. but as i'm reading this book, my heart and thoughts have been changing as well. I don't feel like keeping my eyes peeled or anything. God truly is enough for me. I read once that this guy really wanted to be married and after awhile when he and his then girlfriend broke up he was upset with God thinking don't you want me to be happy and get married? then something stirred in his heart and it was like God was asking him is my love not enough for you? He then started thinking about that and he realized that saying that he needs to get married is really like saying God isn't enough. He realized that God filled the hole and desire in his heart and he then thought i don't mind if i don't get married. He stopped searching and was fine after that.

I've come to that place myself. Sure, I'd like to get married but only if that's what God wants. His love really is enough. If i did get married i'd make it clear that it must be Christ-centered and be done and lived out the way God meant for it to be.

Growing up after my parents got a divorce i stopped believing in marriage. I also didn't believe in divorce either. I didn't have to worry about divorce since i never was going to get married. i strongly against marriage especially, if i ever dated, if the guy didn't take it seriously and know that if we ever came to the thought about marriage that counseling would be a requirement if we slipped away from eachother or divorce was not an option. that i would not allow a divorce and that he would know that for me marriage meant for life, that it meant growing wrinkles with me. i was pretty intense about my thoughts against marriage, if marriage ever came up, and intense about no divorcing.

After i became i Christian, i still didn't believe in marriage but slowly God changed my heart and mind about it. Now my intensity is still strong but strong in a different way. what God wants is what i want.

coming back to the main topic, we are brides of Christ. We will get married to Him. Even now He doesn't leave us. We are the cheaters in this case. Just like Sarah we go after other 'lovers' in this world and yet God still loves us. He still forgives us. We also must come to repentance too. God wants us to realize that His love is enough and we should be wanting forgivenss from Him. That we realize the mistakes we make and know that it hurts Him. In the end though, He is gentle and does rebuke us when we need it. But it's all out of love. And His love is perfect. I want and will always want that perfect love. Nothing else could measure up.

blue vines growing on a wall

"I get on my knees and worship"

nope, sadly this comment isn't about/to God. This comment was for a 'sexy' photo
of a woman. It's so sad that looks are so important. People getting plastic surgery done, angling their cameras just right for a self-photo, wearing clothes that show a little too much, and posing in a way that leads mind to places they shouldn't go.

maybe if people were more secure in their own lives with themselves then maybe hollywood wouldn't have much of an effect on people. But of course we want to be able to live up to their standards on what beauty is even if we never become a model, singer, or actress because then in our own lives other people will take notice whether they really know you or not.

i got a random request once from this guy i didn't know and i just accepted him because i don't really talk to half of the people on fb anyway so i just thought whatever. then almost right as i accepted him he started commenting on my photos. no buddy, i don't want comments from you. one comment on a photo he put 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder" right. if that was ok and true then this world would be so full of plastic surgery more than what it is now because one person may see you as beautiful but someone else might not think so. so then you must do something to change that right? pssh what a terrible quote to be said.

i wonder how insecure they really are. how unloved and ugly they feel about themselves. but then again, take a 'sexy' photo of yourself, get a few comments, and boom! i'm not ugly, i just got a comment saying that i'm sexy or whatever. well, friends, those are the wrong kinds of comments you want, unless if you're married but save it for your personal time to express thoughts like that. but really, if people would only get over their do-what-makes-me-happy set of mind and they really knew God, then, THEN they could start to heal and see how God views them.

i'm there right now. I'm still a little insecure but God made me in His image and He created me just the way He wanted me to be. What could be better than that? Getting plastic surgery or trying to enhance yourself everyday is like insulting God and saying "You didn't do this right' or 'the way i look isn't good enough"

Shouldn't God be good enough? They should know this. Of course it comes down to people denying Him and letting themselves be influenced with all that Satan has done in the world without them truly knowing it.

South Korea has the most plastic surgeries performed than any other country. Out there everyone wants a shot at stardom. Same here. but this also brings me to other thoughts about being famous. maybe i'll write on that later. maybe.

either way we just need to reach out more and more. Especially to the younger generation since they're easily influenced. (0.0) ack! what do you think it says to the kids of a mother who's gotten plastic surgery done? Oh those poor children.

i also think about the comment at the beginning and just imagine their reaction when we finally do die and see God. this guy comments about worshipping her when all along it should be God he should be worshipping. I feel fearful for him. I couldn't imagine even just joking about worshipping anything or anyone else. That's a scary thought for me. If only everyone knew...