shadows of vines dance outside my window

Last year in July i started volunteering with Living Hope Ministries as a youth leader for a girls group. it started as a large group of girls. there's a big difference in age from about 12-16ish. not all of the girls know God and so some of the younger girls would hear some of the other girls talking about things they shouldn't have been. a mother of the younger girls didn't want them coming back because of that. it was reasonable so A, who is the director of L.H, thought that maybe we should split the girls up in two different groups. And so we did. i'm a leader for the younger girls so i help out with what i can. There are three of us leaders for this group and we try to discuss what we can do for a lesson, how to present it, memorizing bible verses, projects, outtings, and getting together to have meetings about this.

Last night 2/25 A and I were dropping the girls off from a Dare2Share conference. http://www.dare2share.org/ A and I finally get back to our place around 10:30. the night before we both didn't get much for sleep but we pushed through the day. i think everyone elses excitement made us forget about how sleepy we were. After we got back we were talking a lot about the weekend, the girls, our growth, what more we could do, how to raise support for the ministry to keep going to conferences and for the tutoring session going on.

As A and I were talking I realize just how tired i really am. the last two weeks have been horrible for getting sleep. So there i was realizing how tired i am but somehow i'm allowing myself to stay up and talk more about what we can do as leaders to grow and grow for our kids we teach. how to make disciples out of them, how to train them to disciple other people, how to grow spiritually, how we can grow as leaders spiritually,etc. as A was talking it hit me that i'm still up for them. for spritual growth. in the last 7 months slowly but surely i've started to think a little less about myself but more on the girls. i'm still selfish in ways but lately my mind has been on the girls and we do stay up for awhile sometimes talking about their growth and improvement. i just started mentoring a girl a few weeks ago and so now instead of using my time to do what i want, i'm using my time to write out notes for the next lesson, i'm praying for her and the other girls a little more than i used to.

now i don't want to make it seem like every minute of my day is focused on them but a little at a time i'm thinking more of them, their growth, my growth, praying, lessons, meetings, A and I discussing everything. It's great! I really want less of me and more God direction in my life. i am so excited that i noticed this last night. i am still selfish in other ways but hey, i'm a working process. God will work in me as He sees fit for the situation. i like seeing the change in me that He's doing. Also in other people. We may not see Him face to face but we see His work in eachother and that's where we can see Him. My change doesn't come from myself. honestly, i like my sleep and a few years ago i probably would've avoided staying up late to discuss what's going on and what we see growing. but now, now i enjoy seeing and talking about growth. that is not my own doing. i'm not forcing myself to change, if i could i'd speed up the process but i can't. until i'm where i want to be, i'm going to enjoy seeing me and others grow in a slow, step by step process and enjoy the awkwardness of growth because awkward is awesome ;)

blue vines growing on a wall

"I get on my knees and worship"

nope, sadly this comment isn't about/to God. This comment was for a 'sexy' photo
of a woman. It's so sad that looks are so important. People getting plastic surgery done, angling their cameras just right for a self-photo, wearing clothes that show a little too much, and posing in a way that leads mind to places they shouldn't go.

maybe if people were more secure in their own lives with themselves then maybe hollywood wouldn't have much of an effect on people. But of course we want to be able to live up to their standards on what beauty is even if we never become a model, singer, or actress because then in our own lives other people will take notice whether they really know you or not.

i got a random request once from this guy i didn't know and i just accepted him because i don't really talk to half of the people on fb anyway so i just thought whatever. then almost right as i accepted him he started commenting on my photos. no buddy, i don't want comments from you. one comment on a photo he put 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder" right. if that was ok and true then this world would be so full of plastic surgery more than what it is now because one person may see you as beautiful but someone else might not think so. so then you must do something to change that right? pssh what a terrible quote to be said.

i wonder how insecure they really are. how unloved and ugly they feel about themselves. but then again, take a 'sexy' photo of yourself, get a few comments, and boom! i'm not ugly, i just got a comment saying that i'm sexy or whatever. well, friends, those are the wrong kinds of comments you want, unless if you're married but save it for your personal time to express thoughts like that. but really, if people would only get over their do-what-makes-me-happy set of mind and they really knew God, then, THEN they could start to heal and see how God views them.

i'm there right now. I'm still a little insecure but God made me in His image and He created me just the way He wanted me to be. What could be better than that? Getting plastic surgery or trying to enhance yourself everyday is like insulting God and saying "You didn't do this right' or 'the way i look isn't good enough"

Shouldn't God be good enough? They should know this. Of course it comes down to people denying Him and letting themselves be influenced with all that Satan has done in the world without them truly knowing it.

South Korea has the most plastic surgeries performed than any other country. Out there everyone wants a shot at stardom. Same here. but this also brings me to other thoughts about being famous. maybe i'll write on that later. maybe.

either way we just need to reach out more and more. Especially to the younger generation since they're easily influenced. (0.0) ack! what do you think it says to the kids of a mother who's gotten plastic surgery done? Oh those poor children.

i also think about the comment at the beginning and just imagine their reaction when we finally do die and see God. this guy comments about worshipping her when all along it should be God he should be worshipping. I feel fearful for him. I couldn't imagine even just joking about worshipping anything or anyone else. That's a scary thought for me. If only everyone knew...

Suddenly there were clouds

I seem to be growing. I feel and see it. So i must right? But i think i'm. ...I am stuck.

four months ago(oct) I was doing just fine. i was slowly growing and i got to minister to people at my old job. One day I quit. I believe He told me to. He must have because since i quit i've seen and felt myself growing even more. I've come to love Him more. backing up a bit, my job paid well. i could spend money and still have enough for rent and help out others if i needed to. fast forward to now, i can't afford anything but gas. that's only $35 to almost fill up my car. i haven't been able to pay rent or bills. i'm also behind on my loans. what was i going to do? ask for help? (O.O) you mean go from being able to hand out money to asking for it? ugh, that's a nightmare.
four months later, it still is. my old roommate,S, pointed out that i may have a pride problem.
as a Christian, aren't we supposed to be humble? we're supposed to share eachothers burdens. i'll lend you my ear and i'll let you listen only if you ask. that really is how it is with me. i do admit that i have a problem with pride. not so much with having money and being able to spend it but having to be helpless and breaking down to ask. to be meek, humble, sincere, whatever.
i'm living on my own with roommates, aren't i supposed to be able to take care of myself? i feel like one of those homeless people on the streets holding a sign up for money. they look sad, pathetic, helpless! sometimes i can't help but think that they put themselves there. did i put myself here? am i sad, pathetic, and helpless? maybe. how is it that they can stand on the street with a sign? do they not care about what others think of them? are they liars and only want money because they're on drugs? do i care too much about the situation that i'm in and about what others may think of me? i think that i am a homeless person on the street. i'm just not holding up a sign to show everyone. i'm struggling, isn't that ok? im not lying when i say that ive been seraching for a job. how do you know? how do i know that the homeless people aren't lying either?
i guess too many people have been deceitful and did what they could to get what they wanted. i am worried about people thinking that of me. if people don't know me they just very well might think that.
i don't want to be helpless!
i also know and came to realize this a few times that i need God. that i am helpless without Him. God provides. through other people. our family in Christ. of course i'd help someone just like me in a split second if a member of Gods family was in my shoes. i'm still scared to ask for help.
i guess money is a big issue for me because one of my brothers just kept asking for money and said that he'd pay whoever back but he never did. it'll be awhile before i could pay anyone back but i don't want to be compared to him.
maybe for people who have grown up Christian don't have money issues because they all realize and know that their money isn't theirs. that it's Gods money. He provided for them and they could make payments on time without having people call them.
i've always thought that i never wanted to be like, M. i never wanted to be behind on bills or anything. i never wanted to have a phone call from anyone saying that i'm in debt.
it's happened. my old thinking has come true. i still dont want it to happen but it will continue to happen until i do get caught up in everything.
so now what?
I trust. i have trust in God that He will provide for me again to be able to get caught up.
but what about now? my rent? i do have somone i could ask. but i'm scared. i don't think that my pride has been broken down just yet. S knows my situation and has already spoken about covering my rent once before but then my roommate covered for me. i said that i'd pay her back. it's like i cant accept money unless if i can pay them back. even if it takes a few years. again, i'm too proud to really admit that i'm helpless and that i need help.
do i just ask and practice humility? or do i break down my thoughts until i can come to terms and then ask?
how can i be so wiling to give money and be so kind hearted to someone else in my shoes but i have to think that i'm not good enough to be helped?
it sounds like a whole new issue. not good enough? let my thinking take me away....